Do not Suffer in the Name of Love

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21st century – An era where people have the guts to openly admit their relationships in public, the modern times where we often find people showcasing love (PDA or Public Display of Affection, if I am put it in the language of today’s youth) towards their partner on social media, the times when a senior Indian politician at the age of 67 admits his relationship with a married journalist, the radical shift in mindset of the youth when a single woman at the age of 25 made history by adopting a baby girl (our beautiful Miss Universe 1994 Sushmita Sen went ahead and adopted a second girl child in 2010), the times when our beloved ‘Bollywood’ (the magical land which gave us our Jai, Veeru, Gabbar, Basanti) has accepted a porn star as a part of itself!

This is also the 21st century which talks about women empowerment at each step- whether it be trying to promote girl child education or making women Directors a mandate in the Board of Directors of Companies. Parents put in their best to make their children-whether it is a boy or a girl- gain the best possible education. Paying hefty fees of schools just to ensure that their children are not left behind in the ‘English-speaking fast-forward world’, shelling out huge sums of their salary for coaching classes, and then another huge amount which caters to the sky-rocketing fees of higher education!

I am sure, by now you would be trying to figure out a connection between the title, the first paragraph and the second paragraph of this write-up. Looks disconnected? Don’t worry; I will join the dots for you.

Our parents spend a considerable amount of their savings on our education. We youngsters, along with studying to get the perfect degree to make our parents happy, indulge in few moments of our own! Man is a social animal and is bound to make relationships-whether of the same or the opposite gender. With a radical shift in our surroundings today and our hormones, at some time or the other, we do get hit by the ‘love’ bug.

Is love bad? No! Love is a wonderful feeling! But it turns bad when the ‘love’ part of the relationship is superseded by the ‘fear and intimidation’ part of the relationship (which in ideal terms should never exist in a healthy relationship). At times, some relationships do turn up into situations when the guy abuses his ‘better-half’. And by ‘abuse’, I do not restrict myself to just name-calling, I mean physical, mental, emotional as well as verbal abuse. It may start with the harmless “I am possessive about you and hence I need to know all the details of your life. Do not talk to Mr X because I don’t like him. What took you so long when it takes just 5 minutes to reach here? Show me your cell phone, I will see how other guys chat with you, I will judge them if they are right for you! As a trust symbol let’s share our email and Facebook passwords” and in no time you will find yourself explaining each and every small detail to your guy. You will be bombarded with questions about the past chats you have ever had any guy, what relationship did you have with him, does he know about me etc etc.  You will find a hard time explaining yourself and will always be blamed with “So, this was a game for you! You never loved me!”

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You girl – you love him madly and will make the best of your efforts to make him understand, to make your relationship work. And the guy has just won! He has already made you weak emotionally and mentally! He knows that you will not go away and he can do whatever he wishes to. The male ego (no offence to my male readers) boosts up and the abusing stage follows! He might hurl names at you, speak ill about your family, and blame you for his ‘abusive side’, start throwing objects in the midst of his anger, threaten you, black-mail you, even hit you. You get scared! You want this to stop! You want your old lover back who loves you and treats you nicely. You agree to all his demands in the hope that if he is happy, he would not get angry and things will be back to normal. But, girl, you are mistaken! The crazy love you have for him makes him even stronger and you weaker.

And if you gather courage and talk about leaving the relationship, the blame game, tears and the apologizing part will begin. He will put forward his excuses in such a manner that you will feel that it’s all a matter of circumstances. He is a nice guy; after all you fell in love with the guy because he was nice. He wasn’t like this till ‘YOU’ made the mistake. The entire fault is yours. You shouldn’t have acted or behaved or spoken in that rage-enticing manner. You feel sorry and continue to be with the guy, in the hope that if ‘you’ do not make any mistakes then he will not turn abusive. You decide to stay back. He gets all emotional, treats you well, but soon, he will find something which he does not approve, he will get angry, become abusive, followed by his saga of tears and apology.

Unfortunately, the cycle will never stop!

Pretty soon, you will find yourself walking on eggshells, in an attempt to avoid all confrontations. You won’t even realize but you will be cut off from your friends, your emotional support circle, asking him for permission for every small detail of your life, wearing clothes which he approves, talking to people with whom he is comfortable with, deprived of the activities whether it is reading or sports or dancing or the type of movies you love and find yourself around him all the time, making his friend circle your own, indulging in activities which he loves-even if you never had any inclination towards those activities ever in your life!

It’s high time girl! You are losing your identity! Did your parents pamper you, love you, and educate you to become a submissive person? A person who becomes a mere puppet in the hands of the person who claims to love you? A person who does not think twice before abusing you or hitting you? A person who in the name of love and trust disrespects you?

NO!

Your parents educated you to become independent, to become a woman of substance, to be able to take your own decisions, to live your life the way you want, so that you are self-reliant enough that you do not have to be at the mercy of a guy! Imagine the pain and anguish your parents will go through when they come to know that their little princess is going through hell in the name of love! Imagine their plight when they will realize that all the excuses you made about marks on your body were actually the after-effects of the guy hitting you!

You need to walk out of the relationship girl! Love is the foundation of any relationship, and so is the respect you have for the other person. A guy, who abuses or hits you, never is the guy for you. You are not an object! You are a person who has her own wishes and desires. You do not need to suffer in the name of a relationship! Agreed, you might be scared of his threats, of him hurting you or your family; but you need to gather courage and move away. Seek the help of your parents, friends, counselors or even police, if need be, but do not let yourself be hurt any more.

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You have a long life to live. Your parents count on you for their happiness. They want you to achieve great heights in your career. Things take time but at the end all the patience and your courage will be worth it. You will be able to live life on your own terms again, live for your parents, live for your happiness! What is required is one step from your side. One determined, strong step towards a better future!

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